Many of us dream of becoming a mother from a very young age, playing with dolls and playhouses from early childhood years. Some have other dreams for themselves. I was the little girl that always knew that she wanted to become a mother. I wanted many children, a home full of chaos and love. My home is very much filled with chaos and love, but not quite the many children I once dreamed of having.
Shortly after my husband and I were married, we knew we wanted children, so we tried and struggled with infertility for almost two years. I will write a whole other post on our fertility journey, it’s quite a story with a very happy ending…our oldest son, Jack. After having a Jack, I was your typical first time mom: every worry, excitement, and unknown was on my mind constantly. This is motherhood and I had longed for this.
I am surrounded by friends and family with children close in age, so naturally the comparisons always happen. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bother me that it felt like every conversation from family was asking “Is he walking yet?” or “Is he talking?” This began to beat me down as a mother, I kept feeling like I was missing something, was I not doing something right? I would express my concerns to our pediatrician often and was assured he was right on track. It wasn’t until he was almost two that I wasn’t convinced that he was right on track with every two year old I knew. I spoke with another mother who eased my fears and encouraged me to have my son evaluated for developmental delays. It is such a gut punch to go in to a doctor and hear questions of what a two year old should be doing and your child has never even come close to these milestones. Again, the guilt came on, “Did I miss something, did I not do enough?”
At his evaluation, our son was diagnosed with Autism. I say I was relieved to hear this because it validated my concerns of his delay, but this brought on so many other feelings and responsibility. I prepared my whole life to become a mother, but this is more, I am now a mother to a child with special needs. I now have so much more to prepare. I instantly began researching everything I could about autism. But most importantly, I researched what we could do for our son. Our life was about to change big time. I should also add that at this evaluation I was roughly 10 weeks pregnant with our youngest. We quickly got several new therapies started for Jack and began to develop a routine. Again, that all changed once our youngest was born.
Routines have been ever changing, and most days are very hard. This is NOT the motherhood I prepared for. Shortly after our youngest was born, I recognized I was having symptoms of postpartum depression, and saw my doctor to help get my motherhood back that I wanted. Not just my motherhood, but myself. Postpartum depression is a very real and cruel illness. During this time of battling PPD, we found out that our oldest had a deletion on his x chromosome that prompted several tests for him, myself and now our youngest. All of these test have led to the diagnosis in all three of us with Beckers Muscular Dystrophy. I could write so much on this experience, and don’t worry I plan to!
So now with this new diagnosis for my family, I am really learning to accept this title of Special Needs Mother. It isn’t a glorious title that I longed for by any means, but it is so rewarding to know that not only am I a mother that I wanted to become for so long, I have two beautiful children with an amazing husband. Being a special needs mother has taught me to celebrate every milestone, we are privileged to watch our children grow, no matter how delayed the may be.
My dreams of what I thought of motherhood for me at one point felt shattered and I felt defeated. Learning this new role of a special needs mother is an amazing journey, learning each day new ways to help my children, I never worry if they will make an impact or difference, I still have the worries of any other mother. But I know one thing is that each day I will be the best I can be for them even if our life doesn’t fit the “prepared” life I once thought I had.
